If you're bored at work...

Try my Desk Items Test.

I drew round several items that happened to be within easy reach, scanned the sheet and numbered the outlines.

Can you guess what the items are?
Some are easier than others.

Send me your answers and the person with the most correct answers receives Item 3 as a prize.

The Desk Items Test

I have just started a new job in an office in my home town. It's just a temporary contract through an employment agency, that I'm essentially using to save up some money to go abroad do a TEFL course, but is nevertheless a step up from the temping jobs I've had in the past. These have included more filing and photocopying than anyone should ever have to put up with, winding balls of string in a factory from 6am until 3pm, and taking orders for a company that made toilet cubicles.

Despite my experience at Plimsoll Publishing (a company that sells financial reports to struggling businesses), being so far so good, I do have the occasional tedious, repetitive task asked of me, so am prone to the odd fit of boredom.

Yesterday, for example, whilst checking some email addresses on a database, I found myself drawing round my banana onto the back of an invoice. I then photocopied the banana outline, scanned it and sent it to a few friends in an email. Today, I made up a jingle for the company. It is sung to the tune of "I am the very model of a modern Major General" from Gilbert and Sullivan. Here it is:




If you do not want to suffer profit growth paralysis
We can send you your financial study or analysis

We can put it in the post or send it on the internet
Print it off and read it through and you'll no longer be in debt

Plumber, banker, manager: it doesn't matter what you do
Write it on the order form and we can find the one for you

Order it in French or English, order it in Japanese
Top One Hundred, Acquisition, all for very modest fees

We'll send it to Parcelforce and it should reach you in a week
Unless of course your company's in Guadeloupe or Martinique

Please remember just one thing, and that's to pay your fee on time
Or you'll go to Recofact and you may face a hefty fine

So if you think you're dans la merde (in English that means 'in a stew')
Come to Plimsoll Publishing and we can tell you what to do!

Blogging and having a job - just not right for each other

Not wanting to be put down as one of those Most Boring Bloggers on the Internet, I have decided that in recent months, instead of signing into my blog every couple of weeks after a twinge of guilt - "oh balls, I haven't written on my blog for ages" - to keep schtum rather than tell you about what I had for breakfast, or some other uninteresting crap.

It's not like I haven't had any ground-breaking, inspirational thoughts over the past 6 months - god, of course I have, like realising that drinking lots of water before bed prevents a hangover, and that too much cheese gives you funny dreams - the actual reason for my absence is that I've got a job.

I won't tell you about that just yet, avid readers, I'll just leave you with a small request....

Debt drives students to extreme(ly silly) measures

Students today are leaving university in more debt than ever before. The majority of those who embarked on their undergraduate degree after 2006 face top-up fees, with students at many universities, including Oxford and Cambridge, forking out up to £3000 per year for tuition alone, not to mention accommodation and living costs.

Having just completed my degree and left university, my parents are several thousand pounds down and I owe a sum of roughly £14,000 to the Student Loans Company.

Although my loan will be paid back in instalments according to how much money I earn per year, I'm a little concerned about my overdraft, which is currently at an alarming level and isn't showing any signs of improvement, despite having two summer jobs which give me a regular income. The only way I can see to earn some money instead of scrimping and saving to break even, is moving back home.

But there may be an alternative.

The following suggestions are not necessarily recommended:


1. Posing for photo shoots.

I responded to a couple of posts on the Gumtree website advertising for models to pose for photographs, hoping that the opportunities would be as innocent as some of them seemed. I really should have caught on when I read "an open mind, discretion and nice feet are essential" but in naive desperation, I responded to the ad and got the following response:

"Thanks for your interest. I would like to photograph your beautiful, naked feet in the comfort of your own home. You will be required to dip your feet in chocolate, custard and other substances. You will of course be paid for your time and you can keep the chocolate/custard, as well as a copy of the photographs."

After some careful consideration, I decided not to bother.


2. Modelling.

Another trawl through the Gumtree website led me to some slightly less seedy-sounding opportunities for money-making. "Average female models required for classy photo shoots", read one ad. Whilst I'm no Kate Moss, I'm reasonably confident about my body and thought that with a layer or two of make-up, flattering lights and the right clothes I could pull off a bit of amateur modelling. I emailed the person who posted the ad to enquire what would be expected of me.

The reply was: leather catsuits.

Again, maybe not.


3. Participating in medical/psychology research.

A move away from thoughts of photo shoots and modelling brought me to a whole selection of ads asking for individuals to participate in research projects. The opportunities ranged from answering surveys on depression and anxiety to testing new TB vaccination drugs. Even though an incident like last year's Parexel disaster which left six men critically ill after taking part in a clinical trial is extremely unlikely ever to occur again, I wasn't comfortable with the idea of taking untested drugs, so I opted for a few others. So last week I went to have an ultrasound scan on my heart to confirm that it was suitable for participation in an experiment involving inhaling air containing varying ratios of carbon dioxide and oxygen. It turned out that my heart "doesn't regurgitate enough", whatever that means, so I can't take part in that one. But I got paid a bit of cash just for lying on my side and getting my left boob covered in lube ("ultrasound gel" I think is the correct term), so it was worth the half hour. And tomorrow I'm off to the Warneford (the psychiatric hospital in Oxford) to have an MRI scan whilst being fed chocolate through a tube.


4. Getting a proper job.

Yeah, yeah, I know.